lil slut's meanderings

My journey into submissiveness with my Master, Firmhand.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Last post...the death of lil slut

Today Master sent me an email releasing me, he didn't even bother to call or face me. Lil slut is now dead, and this will be my last post...how appropriate this was on one of my group lists.

I walked into that garage sale,
That crisp November day.
Mainly to calm down from a spat with my submissive,
In which both of us had said more than we should say.

I saw the bag tossed forgotten in a corner,
It's leathers were old and frayed.
I almost overlooked it,
Till I saw upon it the D/s Emblem so proudly displayed.
The bag was locked with a padlock,
The contents of it I could but guess.
I asked the woman how much she wanted for it,
My true interest I dared not confess.
"That bag belonged to my brother," she said.
As she softly wiped away a tear.
"We lost him in an auto accident.
It's been just over a year."

"His instructions were not to sell the bag to just anyone.
But only to the one who could give the proper answer unto me."
Confused, I asked her what the question was.
She said, "S...S...," and I answered, "C."
She smiled, nodded and I wrote a check.
And so the bag became mine.

I had no idea what the contents might be.
But the Emblem alone, I thought to be a good sign.
At home a moment with my power tools,
And the lock lay broken upon the floor.
I poured the contents out at my feet,
And felt my spirits and soul began to soar.

Canes, floggers, whips and chains.
Toys of every shape and size,
Dozens of tools of the Master's craft.
Lay in heaps before my eyes.
I gave the bag a final shake,
Before I went to work with leather soap.

When a final item fell from the bag,
A carefully sealed envelope.
I opened the envelope and read the words.
Written in a strong but shaking hand.
I knelt there, with the toys spread at my feet,
As tears in a river from my eyes ran.

"My fellow Dominant," said the note.
"If these words you now do see.
Then I know the worst has happened,
And I have not survived my surgery."
"My sub and I were coming home,
From a party one early spring day.
I don't remember what we quarreled over,
But I do recall all the words I am ashamed that I did say."
"It was only a moment, I let my attention wonder,
I was such a fool that I did not even see.
I heard steel break and my baby scream but once.
I never did see the tree."

"I awoke at the local hospital,
The nurse looking down at me with sad eyes.
Where is my baby, my love, my pet? I whispered to her.
And it was then that I began to realize."
"She shed a tear and held my hand.
Then my heart turned to ice as I felt the words she said.
Sir, forgive me for having to tell you this,
But the living go before the dead."

"Well, in a moment they will come for me,
But first this note, to a brother Dom I must give.
To place there in my toy bag for me,
I hope to retrieve it, should I live."
"And if I should not survive the night,
If I am to join my pet, where I know she waits for me.
Then this bag please take to my sister.
There to sell to the one, who knows the Letters 3."

"But this last word I send you brother,
Though it is spoken from beyond the grave.
Love your pet, and cherish her,
Be she bottom, submissive or slave."
"For the submissive love is like no other,
A thing that cannot be bartered, brought or sold.
And the light in her eyes as she kneels at your feet,
Is worth more than the purest gold."

"So remember, yesterday is but a faded memory,
And tomorrow, a dream that is not yet known.
The future is never promised to us,
And this moment is all you truely have, to show her she is loved and owned."

"Well, the nurse is back and I must close.
Let the chips fall where they may.
If your reading this, these toys are now yours.
But always remember my brother Dom, what this day to you I did say."
I just held the note, then bowed my head.
Without shame the tears did fall,
At the wisdom of a true Master's words.

Then I heard my own submissive call.
"My Master," she whispered as she drew me close,
And with love held me to her breast.
"What is it that troubles you my Lord?" she asked.
"I know earlier I was an awful pest."
Without a word I drew her close,
And tightly held my love next to me.
I closed my eyes and thought of a Master now gone,
Whose face I would never see.

"The Bag"
by, SirWolfr1
November, 30, 2002
All rights reserved

Monday, January 24, 2005

From another group...

Does the "good" I get out of this relationship substantially outweigh the negatives I'm enduring?

Is this the best I deserve?

Can I walk away from this and start over?

If not, *why* not?If so, why haven't I?

Am I sacrificing my self-esteem trying continually to make something work for me in spite of the fact that others in the relationship aren't so committed?

These questions were posted on one of my groups where one of the ladies was going through a similar situation with her Dom...i.e. banishment. These are good questions to ask in any situation and I believe the anser to the first is yes, for the most part the good outweighs the negatives.

Is this the best i deserve...hmmm that is more difficult because i do sometimes feel i deserve better than how i am being treated, but for the most part Master is very good to me.

Can I walk away and start over...yes, but not without leaving a piece of me behind.

Am i sacrificing my self esteem....again i think sometimes i do, that sometimes it appears that Master is not committed to this relationship and then other times he seems like he is. I am getting a lot of mixed messages...i know he loves me, but both of us realize that some things need to be changed and/or worked out.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Friday forlorn

One of the things I miss most when I am separated from Master is planning for the weekend, the meals i will prepare that he enjoys, planning what to wear, planning activities that i know will delight him and even thinking about things to talk about....all make the days/weeks go faster in between visits, and i feel are such an important part of my service to him. I am sure he is not even aware of how much thought and preparation used to go into the weekends i spent with him, looking for new recipes, shopping and even buying gifts that i knew would please him. Its just one of the things I used to do to put myself in a submissive state of mind.

One of my friends told me yesterday, "Nancy, you are like air....no one notices it is there, but there sure notice it when it isn't!" LOL

I wonder if Master notices that i am not there....does the house seem empty without my laughter and chatter filling it? Does his bed seem cold and empty without me in it? Does he notice that there is no humming and clatter in the kitchen preparing a special meal for him? Does he notice that there is no chubby lil sub running around the house naked, cuddling in his arms or trying to cover his face with kisses?

Thursday, January 20, 2005

True Submission

There is no such thing as a "real" submissive.
There is only honest submission which is as real as it gets.

This past week I have done a lot of soul-searching regarding my wants/needs/desires and am i truly a submissive? The answer is a resounding YES! I may not be perfect at it, but then i am not perfect at *anything*. I will no longer accept the excuses from Master that i never really submitted, that i am not a true submissive, etc etc.....because I am.

It is the Dom's responsibility to teach and use the power vested in His role; to mould and shape me; assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being. That He continue to help me to develop my knowledge of my artistic and intellectual abilities, as well as my knowledge of the lifestyle, through assigning lessons, which will also aid me in my continuous pursuit of serving Him.

I am willing and teachable, honest, and real and thats as good as it gets.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Needs in a relationship

Communication... the sub/slave needs to tell the Dominant everything and anything, within the guidelines of the protocol of the relationship, of course... but we need to know that what we have to say is important and has some meaning.

Servitude... yes we are service oriented... we need to know that we are needed to serve You... don't let us become so meaningless that You do not tell Us to do what You want us to do... we need new tasks from time to time, .. but we need to serve, that is what we do to be happy and to feel needed... we need to learn and grow through our servitude.

Purpose...we need a purpose, why are we serving You? are we simply a pretty thing that You only look at from time to time or do you have other reasons for us to be at Your side?

Structure... we need to know that each day is going to be similar to the day before and the week before that... order and discipline are what we crave... we serve You because that is what we need to do, You need to provide structure so we know what it is that we are supposed to be doing for You...

Gratitude and appreciation... we need to know that what we do for You is what You wanted us to do, and that we've done a good job... talk to us and let us know that we've done good... every person needs to know that they are desired... it builds us up and gives us more self esteen, we then want to do more for You knowing that we have pleased You...

Discipline... not necessarily punishment that is a different aspect, but we need to know what you want, remind us when we don't use Sir or Master at the right moment, that we have not completed a task that You wanted us to do... consistency is most important, and again leads back to structure... if You allow us to slip on an aspect You can expect it continue to slip again and again until You feel we are not worthy or desiring to serve You...

Safety... we need to know we are safe with you... trust is essential to any relationship... we need to know that You intend no permanent harm to us, physically, emotionally or intellectually...

Respect... yes we must respect You, but You also in return must treat us with respect, we serve out of a willingness, we want to know that you do respect the servitude that we provide you and that you are willing to show us that through respect for us that you know you have a worthy slave that has shown You her/his potential...

Honesty... lies are the killers of any relationship, honesty has to work both ways, we have to be honest with the Dominant and the Dominant has to be honest with us... in all aspects of life... there are times that a surprise may be in store and some information may be withheld, such as shopping for a gift, simply state that there is something special that you are shopping for and may you be given permission not to say exactly what you are shopping for because it is a gift for the Dominant.

Trust... goes hand in hand with communication and honesty... it is built up over time, each time the couple are together trust is built or destroyed... once trust is built up to a level it may take little to destroy that trust, and it may take many days, months, or years to get back to a previous point...

The symbols of a relationship are just that .....symbols, the collar, a contract, a scene, sex and money are not needs, they are symbols of the relationship...
the needs we have are are the building stones of a relationship.


Wednesday Holding Pattern

I called Master this morning because I had received no response to my emails or messages and it seems that once again (or is it still) he is thinking about releasing me. Who am i kidding....he really considered it over and emotionally withdrew when i was on vacation and he packed all my stuff up, its just been me fighting to hold on. Why am i putting myself thru this and why do i keep trying?

He is right, i will never be the slave he wants....he asked me today if i could submit if he had someone else staying there for the weekend that he loved and cared for instead of me, and the answer to that is a resounding "NO". I told him from the very beginning that while i could accept him having others to play with and have sex with, I needed to feel special to him. Yet he now acts like this is some big surprise.

This roller coaster ride began because we met, fell in love, and he collared me....all before we learned about each other, our likes, dislikes, wants and needs...so our entire relationship has been the ups and downs we have suffered because we did not work out all of this BEFORE getting involved. Of course with 20-20 hindsight we can see the problems it created, but now he acts like it is all my fault.

If I had followed my head and not my heart, we never would have gotten together at all!

If i had known some of this ahead of time, would I have fallen in love or agreed to be collared? The answer is probably not...at least not until we had worked thru some of the issues like communicating, communicating, communicating...and not me trying to communicate with him, but the big one....getting him to open up and communicate with me. I don't really think he realizes how emotionally unavailable and cold and distant he can be at times.

I love him....altho sometimes I really think i am foolish for feeling that way, because it sure has come back to bite me in the ass. It sure seems that he has the ability to turn his love off and on at will, and once he has suffered some hurt or insult, he holds a grudge forever.

Everyone says we make a perfect couple because we are perfect complements to one another, yin and yang, Dom and sub, spendthrift and generous, introvert and extrovert, analytical and impulsive, reserved and bubbly, tall and short, it goes on and on....it could balance each of us out, leaving both of us better people but it sure does lead to some real explosions!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Brattiness

We brat out of fear or when we just need reasurance, so let us know that our fears are unfounded, and that you understand, but we are safe to be who we are....frustration will cause us to go out of control because we need to let you, the Dominant take over and take that control...you have to be ready to take it, and at times that may mean tossing us over your knee and spanking the butt real good just so we can kick and scream out our frustrations. Then hold us and cuddle up all calm and snuggly when its over, safe and secure in your arms. We want to be able to turn that "broken toy" over to you, letting Daddy fix it.

We will brat when our needs, either emotionally or sexual are not being met. Discipline is part of a sub's needs. Leave us undisciplined and you will have a flaundering out of control . A sub can demonstrate severe self destructive behavior and at times sabotoging the relationship without realizing it.

Brats are independant lil girls, and we feel embarrassed or guilty asking for something for ourselves...so we act up. It is our way of saying "hey, I'm not doing what you want , not acting in the way you like, do something here to stop me." The message could also be, "help me, im scared and frustrated and i cant see my way out of this hole, help me feel safe and secure again...

It can be quite devastating for us not to have structure and discipline in our lives... we may start communicating this need by "playing at being disrespectful" or by saying little things to get your goat, not doing little things you would have us do... this is our way of communicating that we are in need. Offer your brat good solid loving discipline and you will see extraordinary results.

Communication is the key to handling a "brat", knowing the message and responding accordingly. Ignoring a brat will just reinforce her feelings of brattiness, but show her her limits and boundaries, being consistent and lovingly guide her .

The Dominant's Creed

As the Dominant to My submissive, I know that she gives herself to Me in mind, body, soul and spirit and does so of her own volition.

In Me, she has placed confidence,reliance, faith, hope, and dependence.

I will endeavour to ensure My submissives needs and desires are learned, and her limits are respected at all times.

I understand that the gift of submission is priceless and will cherish it always.

Through My actions I will demonstrate that I am in complete control of Myself thus allowing Me to impress upon My submissive the need to relinquish any control she may subconsciously retain in order to facilitate O/our erotic power exchange.

I accept responsibility for all aspects of My submissives life, ensuring that each decision I make in her regard is the best for her body, spirit and soul.

Never will I place My submissive in jeopardy, nor will I compromise the trust she has placed in Me.

In order to bring My submissive to new heights and understanding, I will work to achieve a vast knowledge of all aspects of the lifestyle, thus allowing Me to be the teacher that she so richly deserves.

I will honor, defend and guard My submissive at all times showing that My love for her will provide a safe harbour in times of adversity.

My Dominant self is rooted both in reality and in fantasy, yet I can easily differentiate the two, never allowing the fantasy world to overtake that of the real world.

In times of distress and hardship, I will shed the role of Dominant and provide for My submissive, a supportive partner and confidante.

While often unrelenting and strict, bringing My submissive to tears, I will always kiss away the tears that are shed showing My submissive that while stern, My heart belongs only to her.

I vow never to lift a hand to My submissive in anger.

When punishment is needed, it shall always delivered with a tender and discerning hand and for a valid reason.

I pledge to My submissive patience and understanding, tolerance and steadfastness allowing U/us to grow and nurture the bond W/we have established so that it may withstand the test of time.

Above all else, I will wear the title of Dominant with great honor and pride always.

Monday, January 17, 2005

One flaw in women

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."


And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Sunshine....and the ocean

What an absolutely lovely weekend! The coast was warm and sunny, in the 70's so I got to run around with no jacket! Gosh, it was so lovely to see the sun...and to walk along the beach enjoying the sea air. Was awesome...the sky was so blue, not many people and it was so refreshing. Spending the time at the coast, enjoying my favorite restaurants...and only doing what I wanted when I wanted was like a little mini vacation.

I got to do a lot of thinking....and realized that the hard shell I have spent so many years creating has been broken and torn away, exposing the inner me...the lil girl who wants her daddy Dom. Unfortunately this happened probably too late for this relationship because it came after Master decided to shut down and withdraw.

The only sad note this weekend is that I have not heard from Master at all, no phone call, no email, no message...so it appears that he doesn't really want to talk to me and I really don't mean much to him. I will not call him or send messages...he told me not to, so the only email i've sent is the one with my weekly weigh in as i was instructed.

I feel that I have done all I can, I have shown him a lot of love and given of myself, my time and my resources. I am not perfect, but then no one is...and if i was the perfect sub, then I would be looking for the perfect DOM! LOL!